Top Ten Reason to Not Read My Blog

#10 I have a laptop. I have a wireless router. I just ate. Yes, I am in fact posting on the john--and you are here with me.

#9 Pickup that new erotic legal thriller from John Grisham and Danielle Steel: "Binding Arbitration".

#8

#7 Everybody Loves Raymond. Contradicts my list heading.

#6 One time on craigslist, I read an anonymous posting about a woman who liked to smell her own farts. So you could always do that. Yes, I do occassionally as well, you know, like a monthly breast cancer exam or something--same deal.

#5 A dream is a wish your heart makes. Me to heart: "Sick-O." Sorry Claire.

#4 Read Bible--much more entertaining. (Read in desperate producer-pitching-to-executive voice).

Producer: "A man and a woman in the jungle, like they are the only two people on earth..." Executive: (brow wrinkle).
Producer: "...but they are naked, yeah, completely naked..."
Executive: (sigh)
Producer: "...with snakes, lots of snakes in the grass, ...er reeds, ...er...cane! Snakes in some cane."
Executive: (leaning forward a bit)
Producer: "and they can see dead people..."
Executive: (disappointed brow furrow)
Producer: "I mean they see....God."
Executive: (looks at watch)
Producer: "...I mean God can be the host who decides who performs the best, you know, like a judge."
Executive: "Reality TV is really hot right now..."
Producer: "And in the jungle are all sorts of animals, like polar bears..."
Executive: "Howabout a hatch with everything they would ever need to survive alone?"
Producer: "Exactly, but in order to keep the hatch working properly they have to do some random almost senseless action."
Executive: "Like what?"
Producer: "I don't know, push some buttons"
Executive: "That will never sell, something a little more gritty."
Producer: "How about they shoot something?"
Executive: "Dammit, I WANT IT TO BE IN YOUR FACE REAL"
Producer: "Ok, ok, they slit a baby lamb's throat and burn the carcass."
Executive: "Nice."
Producer: "But they screw the hatch up because they eat the wrong stuff, eh, eh, you following me?"
Executive: "And then the hatch turns against them...I like it, they have to work, say...toil, and sweat, to...eat bread--really connects with the working man. Play well in the Mid-west. How are we going to appeal to older male demographic."
Producer: "Violence, lots of violence. Brothers killing each other, something like that."
Executive: "Sex?"
Producer: "Definitely--jungle scenes, erupting volcano motif, very primal. We have pretty much free reign with the show, take it in any direction..."
Executive: "What about casting?"
Producer: "Ok, picture this, are you ready, 'Vince Vaughn, Gisele' there, I said it."
Executive: "Bold. Where do we go after Season 1?"
Producer: "Umm, we can go on forever in convoluted stories, introducing new characters, always making the audience thing something big is just about to happen. We can figure out some sort of dramatic device to foreshadow the arrival of a hero...like Superman, someone who is like, you know, royalty, but not-of-this-world royalty."
Executive: "What is his superpower?"
Producer: "This is where it gets intellectual--all powerful, but doesn't use it. Really zen-like."
Executive: "Ok, but then what's his weakness--maybe some sort of rock?"
Producer: "No, no weakness."
Executive: "Ok, but then we definitely need a love interest."
Producer: "We will hint around about it, but never come right out and say."
Executive: "I don't know...this isn't HBO, I don't know if our viewers will retain interest."
Producer: "Fine, I will throw in a scene with a prostitute."
Exective: "Ahh, his weakness."
Producer: "No, it will be a Law & Order type situation, you know, he will use the law to his advantage."
Executive: "Where does this thing end?"
Producer: "The whole world will go to war and will destroy itself."
Executive: "Too close to 'Armagedon.' No way."
Producer: "OK. It turns into a giant ball of glass."
Executive: "That doesn't even make sense."
Producer: "Ok. Some people hang out together and the everyone else burns forever."
Executive: "No one likes a cliche ending. Besides, that is too predictable."
Producer: "Ok. Picture a Judge Judy situation. Everyone can hang out together, but if you did some crime you have to do some time, even if it is after your dead."
Executive: "So everyone is happy together? That's BS. What are you, some sort of Commie?"
Producer: "Fine, we will have some classes, like coach and first."
Executive: "Only two, that's lame."
Producer: "It will be an international flight. Coach, business and first."
Executive: "Where is the family message?"
Producer: "Umm, stick together?"
Executive: "No, I want to really drive it home."
Producer: "Ok, a reality TV twist--everyone is on the plane, but only families in first class."
Executive: (unimpressed)
Producer: "....and everyone in coach and business has to do whatever the people in first class say."
Executive: "SOLD!"

#3 I left the john a while ago, you know, fyi and all...

#2 "This page is intentionally left blank."

#1 I ran out of steam.

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