Assorted Aborted Lists (In Order of Funniness)

Titles of Lists I Struck From This Post Because They Would Unduly Burden Blog Participants With Extra Information About Me That Would Make Participants And Others Feel Awkward Upon Our Next Meeting:

Reasons I Should I See A Doctor About Hemorrhoids

Real Announcements Over the Pulpit at Church and Associated Reactions:

"For family home evening on Monday, the men will be teaching the women how to change a tire."

Girl next to me: "I already know how to change attire."

A Point By Point Revision of Ralph Waldo Emerson from the Point of View of a Management Consultant:

"To laugh often and much (at the expense of others); to win buy the respect work product of intelligent people and (sycophantic) affection of children anyone; to earn the (pretended) appreciation of honest critics (only if they are writing your performance review) and endure the betrayal of false friends (if there are any left around after working 4 weekends in a row); to appreciate beauty (from the internet), to find the best worst in others; to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy childprofit margin, a garden patch salad or redeemed social condition airline miles; to know allow even no one life has to have breathed easier because you have lived fired everyone. This is to have succeeded." Ralph Waldo Emerson.

Abbreviated & Annotated List of Parts of Body I Have Had Professionally Shaved in the Past Two Years:

Ear Lobes (Korea Town; comes with the full hair cut)

Revised Taglines from Liberal Clap-Trap (NPR) Opinion Pieces:

"The Freedom of Speech should include the right to offend free tacos.

Words That Despite Their Spelling Do Not Share the Same Latin Roots:

Cookie:Dookie

Formerly Espoused Standards & Features for Marriage Partners & Cell Phones:

Attractive

Send & Receive Email

Thin & Lightweight

Intelligent

Silent Mode

1-2 Year Contract

Plays Tetris

Revised Marriage Standards (Post Cell Phone/Marriage Comparison):

Talked to in last 30 days

Degree to Which Being Openly Self-Aware in Blog Posts Adds to End User Experience--Translated Into Electric Oven Settings:

Medium-High

Tasks I Plan to Procrastinate Until They Cause Significant Harm to Myself Because It Will be Too Late To Do Anything About Them:

Filing expense reports

Training for a half marathon

Flossing

Titles of Books That I Have Thought of After Plagiarizing Things From The Internet:

Meatballs, the Digestive Track, and Fundamentalism: 1980-Present; with Forward By Dwight Shrewt; As Told by Kevin Bacon

Conspiracies I Believe:

The Lawrence Welk Show

Attempts At Being Esoteric and Yet Oddly Endearing Within This Post:

13

Successful Incidences of Implementation of Esoteric Yet Oddly Endearing Project Plan:

1 (I really like the tacos comment)

Phrases That Describe My State of Mind Making Edits Compared With Document Version Number:

1 - Who cares

4 - Should be ok

32 - Seriously this is not funny; but perhaps with time and exaggerated within the appropriate blogging context, it could be humorous to other coworkers who read this blog, who are from Cal-tech, and who are Jewish, 5'9", and occasionally wear pink sweaters in a tropical environment.

48 - (Dead inside)

63 - Ta Da.

The following are not funny (I am not kidding):

Reasons Girlfriends Broke Up With Me Over the Past 20 Years (In Chinese):

Kindergarten through 2006: "Women shi nan-nu pengyou ma?"

Pressing Thoughts I Have Had In the Last 24-Hours:

I left my TiVO unhooked--what will happen to Jack Bauer?

Recorded Shows On My Tivo Beginning With "The:"

The Office

The O.C. (there to the bitter-end)

The This Old House Show

Quotes That Support My Work-Too-Much Approach to Life and My Absence of Meaningful Social Interaction:

"Work is the only weapon against life's tragedies." John Steinbeck

Causes of Swearing Impotently Under My Breath During the Last Seven Days:

Email

Excuses I Plan to Use At Work In the Coming Seven Days:

I have to go to the doctor

Fabric of Pillows I Have Slept On in the Past 48 Hours:

Paper (Airline)

Corduroy (Futon at Terrill's)

Cotton (40 Count, apparently)