This Is So Bloggerable!

That sentiment, my friends, was what I was thinking as my head was taped to an evil looking dentist's chair with two lasers pointing at my eyeball which was held open with a pair of forceps while a guy in sketchy part of Koreantown said "Don't worry about this a bit."

I am pretty good about medical procedures in general--I look at the needles while I get my blood drawn, I got some fillings with no novocaine, I cough like a champion when a doctor is investigating the ins and outs of my GI and reproductive tracts, etc. Lasik, however, freaked me out a bit. It was the first time I read the disclosure form, which promised that everything including complete loss of vision could occur. I am never doing that again--I will sign anything you give me without reading.

After I was restrained and my eyes propped open with toothpicks, like some crazy scene from Saw IV, Mr. Lee said: "Now you will feel a bit of suction." This "suction" on my eyeball was accompanied by the sound of dentist drill--which is the high-speed blade that cut a flap open on my cornea. Oh yeah, "suction" also included pressure that backed my eyeball into my skull and made my vision black out completely for 5-10 seconds.

Then the doctor flicks the flap back, your vision goes completely bonkers (apparently you *really* need your cornea). and zaps you with a red laser while his assistant counts to 110 by tens for some reason. (I seriously hope that is not how they timed it.) You know that smell of hair burning? That is the same smell that accompanies your retina being burned by lasers. Flip the flap back over. Done-skis.

Repeat on the other side. Beg for an extra dose of valium (which I did, thanks Megan--who I didn't know read my blog, btw) and have a friend drive you home while crying uncontrollably (for once, "my eyes are just watering" is a valid excuse). Come in, blog about it, take two sleeping pills (should I mix these with valium?), tape on my protective masks, and zonk out until morning.