Food: Coping Strategies

I realize that I love food (specifically sweets) and will probably never change. So what to do? Some ideas:

Running. I learned from running that while you are on the move, depending on your body mass, you can only absorb approximately 250 calories per hour. So contrary to old wives tales, right after dinner is precisely the time you should go running. The longer you can maintain that limited caloric intake mode the better. You are taking the fight to the terrorists in your stomach--never giving food shelter or rest! (Lack of commas intentional.) You not only burn calories and increase your metabolism, but also prevent the absorption of new calories. Plus, all that jumping up and down has to do something to improve "traffic."

Caffeine. Wikipedia lists one of the side effects of caffeine as "gastrointestinal disturbance." More like gastrointestinal bonus. Am I the only one that notices negative effect that it has on digestion? Less digestion equals few calories. Add, of course, the increased exercise due to caffeine--walking (sometimes running) to the john more frequently, incessant leg bouncing, and that awkward facial tick.

Sleep. Science claims that it is essentially a restorative and regenerative process--your muscles rejuvenate, your immune system repairs itself, your follicle system makes your beard grow, your brain reviews the day to establish memory, and your digestive system does its thing. Go without it. It is addiction. Sure, you may have to give up being "strong" and "healthy," but is that too high a price to not only not absorb those 1000 calories in that apple fritter, but also not even remember eating it? If you are on the fence, think of the time you spend shaving.

Binging. The natural corollary to a maximum rate of caloric intake while running is that there must be a max caloric intake while not running (my preferred state). While simple sugars diffuse across the stomach and intestinal linings rather quickly, complex carbs must be broken down by enzymatic reactions. To varying degrees, both cases present opportunities to limit caloric intake through the shock and awe of incredible food consumption by strategically overwhelming your body's capabilities. Complex carbs are Gulf War I--it's easy to deploy elite units of grains and vegetables because like Sadam's regular forces, enzyme production is easy to overwhelm. The problem is that like stopping at the Kuwatii border, grains and vegetables aren't very satisfying.

Simple sugars are more Gulf War II-esque. Every cookie you eat is a drive to Baghdad. Cram 'em in. You're patriotic. Blowing &#*@ up just feels good! Nevermind the side effects, if you don't feel like you are winning arrange for a surge. May I recommend pumpkin pie? I'm the decider--it's my job to down this pie.

Cellulose. This next one will have you questioning if I get my banana shakes at Jack-Out-of-the-Box it is so revolutionary! Corn never digests in part because I don't chew it, but also because we lack the enzymes necessary to break down the celloluse membrane. So, why not wrap everything that is bad for you in cellulose? Think of it--petite chocolate eclairs injected into the hollow shell of corn kernel. Why waste though? I have been choking down donuts wrapped in corn shuckings for weeks.