Addictions

Things I Am Thankful For Several Addictions I Have:

 

Chapstick Addiction: During the cold dark winter of my second grade, I discovered that licking my lips made them feel marginally better for approximately 30 seconds. I naturally concluded that to alleviate the chapped feeling, I should just lick my lips constantly...

 

Heroin (No one would believe it)

 

Blogging on Flights: That's right, guy sitting next to me, I am writing entries for my blog. No, I don't appreciate you reading my work as I type. Ha! Changing my font to 6-point is really screwing you up, old man. Well, that's what you get. Stop looking at my stuff, jerk. That's right now go back to reading your magazine like you weren't reading my writing.

 

Chapstick Continued: Now that I feel a measure of privacy (I really need a screen protector)…where was I? Anyway, I remember a giant tub of Vaseline that I would smother onto my lips like a doctor trying to suffocate a maggot out of a patient's scalp (true story). Since then, I have single-handedly kept the Chapstick corporation solvent. The theory is simple--there are a finite number of places into which a tube can disappear. By buying far too many tubes, I fill up all these places. The overflow is then always on my dresser, my bedside table etc.

 

Alcoholism (Not really that funny)

 

Headphones: Nothing says leave me alone at work, on a flight, standing in line like a good set of earphones. They don't even have to be on--just having them in exudes the "don't talk to me vibe."

 

Pimping (What is to be gained in copying a Chapelle Show skit? No, pimping ain't easy…)

 

Plagiarism: Consider it a full-service outsourcing operation--leveraging unused resources in the development of ideas, applying those ideas to a given situation, and then transcribing those ideas into thoughts and actions.

 

Orphan Outsourcing: Think of how much could be saved in labor arbitrage by outsourcing America's orphan needs to a country like Gambia, where according to the old white guy sitting in an open sewer on TV, where it only costs twelve cents a day. (See, plagiarism in action).

 

Passive Aggressive Computer Use: I will close the lid, but I am not turning this off. Don't even talk to me about my headphones. I don't care that three of you have asked me to turn this offf--I will keep pretending to turn it off, and then open in right back up again....

 
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