Themes

A well-formulated and powerfully executed thesis is a sine qua non of a successful blog. Despite my munificent history of penning courageous and acerbic blog posts, Loyal Reader Kent has levied a charge against me of "writing about nothing." I must respectfully disagree with the good gentleman from Garbage Grove. Though an articulation of my iconoclastic remarks heretofore blogged antedates the formal collection of my blogging themes, that shall in no regard diminish the efficacy of my ex post facto imposition of a series of themes on my blog. Said themes of my blog:

1. Me
2. Stuff I think about
3. Stuff I would like others to think I am thinking about
4. Whatever I want

Clearly, not only is this blog a dynamic and informative station on the series of tubes that is the world wide web, but it is also a community affair covering a broad range of topics. Can I help it if I am the Kevin Bacon of my own life--that everything in my life somehow connects back to me? I blog what I know and I know me. Can't help it. If you thought as much about myself as I do (both qualitatively and quantitatively), I am sure you would blog about me as well.

Capturing my stoic media consumption, spartan consumerism, and hostile clichedness is no mean task. Likewise, the depth, breadth, and genius (not to mention correctness) of my social views and political agenda is not easily articulated nor understood. I believe I single-handedly placed the phrase "You just blew my mind" in the modern lexicon. For you beginners out there (or for you who have incredibly boring blogs, you know who you are), let me share a few methods I use to develop the themes mentioned above.

1. Plagiarize. If you think something is funny (and if you are me), then others will as well. They will think even more of you, if they are convinced you originally conceived that humorous item.

2. Don't let not having anything to say stop you from posting.

3. Accuse anyone of anything. This works well in person as well. For example, I recently accused an acquaintance of being a narrow-minded psuedo-intellectual carbon copy of someone with real opinions. Her crime? Well, she cited Atlas Shrugged as the best book ever. (Full disclosure, I have never read Atlas Shrugged. Lesson: don't let a lack of knowledge stop you.)

4. Know your audience. Well, know how to belittle your audience. Have a handful of trite and transparent conventions that make you seems smarter, cooler, and more handsome than you really are. For example, I rarely study for the GRE, but I have the book open now to copy words that I never really use into this post.

5. Sprinkle pictures throughout your post. This is really a part of under-estimating your audience--knowing that few, if any, read what you write and are instead looking for pictures.

6. Make sure your post passes the laugh test. For example, I have already laughed to myself many times in writing this post. That's how I know it is quality.

I have already grown tired of this post. This was all meant to introduce and explain two key events in my life. I watched Ghost Rider over the weekend. No. Words. To. Describe. Worth the $7 to experience some of the most hackneyed writing and deleterious (had to turn the page to get that one) acting I have seen in the past 12 months. Motorcycles and clingy shirts--what more is there in a movie? 8 thumbs up.















Also, the OC has come to an end. Sadly. I stuck through the series, even in the bad times. I found myself (self-effacing admission of guilt coming) actually checking the message boards on Fox to see what others 16-year old girls felt about the ending.

Spoiler Alert: The ending involves Bounty paper towels.

(Continuing admission of guilt) I actually enjoyed the final episode--knowing that these people who I have shared so much of my life with, will turn out to be ok. Also, one of the final parting shots shows Ryan contemplating his life at the now-destroyed Cohen house. For a brief moment in the driveway, Marissa--silhouetted against a fading sunset, brushing her hair from her eyes-- flashes into his memory. A truly moving moment. I googled for a similar picture. I stopped when I found bounty. I don't think it needs an explanation.

Hypothetical War of the Worlds

I had a vague idea about writing a condensed summary of an article I read predicting doom for the Middle East. I won't. Maybe. Mr. Harvard's basic thesis is that "ethnic disintegration, economic volatility, and empires in decline" are the fundamental predictors of global violence. Unfortunately, Iraq exhibits all three, none of which are likely to change anytime soon. Saith Harvard:

What makes the escalating civil war in Iraq so disturbing is that it has the potential to spill over into neighboring countries. ... Neighbors are always likely to take an unhealthy interest in any country with fissiparous tendencies.


The obvious conclusion is that a new "war of the world" may already be brewing in a region that, incredible though it may seem, has yet to sate its appetite for violence. And the ramifications of such a Middle Eastern conflagration would be truly global. Economically, the world would have to contend with oil at above $100 a barrel.... Is it credible that the United States will remain unscathed if the Middle East erupts?


Although such an outcome may seem to be a low-probability, nightmare scenario, it is already more likely than the scenario of enduring peace in the region.

Contrast that with the insincere lese majeste of Mr. General, in whose heart hope springs eternal. Saith General, following pages of well-founded pessimism:

No doubt a withdrawal will leave a terrible aftermath in Iraq, but we cannot avoid that....They [Whitehouse] do not recognize that withdrawal of US forces from Iraq is the sine qua non for achieving their [Western Europe] cooperation. It will be forthcoming once that withdrawal begins and looks irreversible. They will then realize that they can no longer sit on the sidelines. The aftermath will be worse for them than for the United States, and they know that without US participation and leadership, they alone cannot restore regional stability.

OK, I think I get it. We can't "win" until we pull out and then go back in again with Western Europe. Western Europe, who has previously been violently opposed to have anything to do with Iraq, will be willing to commit significant blood and treasure this time around because "it will be worse for them." Moreover, while the US alone can do nothing to solve the internal civil war and external meddling, the US and Western Europe together should be able to resolve these intractable issues just fine?

Here is where my vague summary and turgid prose ends. However, my one takeaway from these articles is a random mish-mash of thoughts from Independence Day and economics. First, the latter. A basic premise of international trade, is that both countries gain because of a bunch of reasons I know longer care about, but could reasonably surmise if I actually thought about it. However, within each country there are winners and losers. Simple really.

My Independence Day moment came when I realized that even if aliens attacked Earth, given our hopeless track record (the US nuking Japan, in part, to check the expanding influence of the USSR) I don't know that I believe we would pull together as a people. Even in the face of an existential crisis, and despite our Glorified Leader's appreciation of Camus, a cross section of the elite will become winners, the hoi polloi, losers.

The scene where all militaries of the Earth unite via telegraph to fight against the aliens will become particularly ironic when we go to war with Iran (I believe it shows Iran cooperating).

Also, please respect the GRE words.

A Bit Nervous

I am not a particularly superstitious man, but for the past 4-5 days, I wake up every morning to a rainbow in the exact same spot--directly in front of my house. These aren't Democrats-trying-
to-look-tough-on-security classed rainbows either. Every morning, I see China-shooting-down-satellites classed rainbows--full arc, full spectrum, and even Full Monty.

My interpretive options are:

1) There is gold in that boat.
2) God knows what I did last summer, but will hold off flooding the earth.
3) Whatever Wikipedia would say, but would it really be witty if I had to look it up first?
4) Something about rain every morning, sun low in the sky...


This post reminds me of a moment at work the other day--I was leaving a message with the VP of a company that makes a(n?) ubiquitous personal finance software product. I was halfway through the message before I backed myself into some sort of verbal corner. I couldn't think of anything to say, why I was calling him, what I wanted him to do--nothing. So I just stopped and hung up. I called back 5 minutes later and told him that I was driving, got cut off, and finished my message.

The point is I have nothing to say and took 300 words to say it raffishly, turbidly, and without a scintilla of sang froid. (Yess, four GRE words!)

Wry Humor in Acronyms

George Bush committed an additional 21,500 troops to Iraq.

(Author shakes head knowingly.)

Apparently, the Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri Maliki will combine these troops with 90,000 Iraqi troops in Operation Imposing Law.

(Author disturbed by egregious lack of focus-grouping in military naming conventions; calls on PR firms, Madison Avenue, and anyone with a third grade education to alert military to the mildly ironic acronym.)

5 Statements, 4 of Which Are True

1. I reskinned Windows XP to look exactly like a Mac.

2. I buy most of my new music from songs I have heard on The OC.

3. I often eat antacid tablets because I am bored.

4. I haven't purchased any shoes in more than a year.

5. I hate popcorn & gum.

Saturday Morning: The Four Step Process

Awake at 11AM. This is key to a successful day.









Go onto the balcony, look to the right.









Now look to the left.









Check blogs (notice computer screen), go on bike ride.









On a different note, I also went on a bike ride on Friday afternoon and ran into the one person I know on the island (my friend Kim's dad). Plans were made, I met at the house for a quick kayaking session. We scooted around Diamond Head, watched the sunset, trolled for fish (catching three, btw), and soon found ourselves out in the ocean in the dark. All very romantic. Navigating into shore by sound ("Go left, it sounds like its breaking big to the right.") and avoiding the occasional surfer (who is in the ocean at night? retard!) we made it safely back to the beach. After a nice dinner of grilled fish, I retired for the evening. Goal for 2007--replace older married male type with (preferably) younger (preferably) unmarried (preferably) female type. Or I may just buy a dog.

LAX in the Morning

Early morning travel *is* all it's cracked up to be--and that is a royal pain. However, occasionally a nice view presents itself.

Work Luau

Too lazy to correct the red-eye, Picassa should have facial recognition so you can just click red-eye and it will find the faces, find the red eyes, and voila.

Aforementioned 'New Bike'

Don't worry, buying a new bike and having a shoulder that needs surgery aren't contradictory at all.

Nip Tuck

My cute orthopedic surgeon, Elizabeth Ignacio (sigh), says she thinks I will have to go under the knife--steel plates, screws, and all. Apparently, my shoulder is an underachiever and refuses to heal properly.

I bought my shoulder another 3 weeks to see if it can pull this one out of its rear, suck it up, and be a marine.

If my shoulder turns out to be a nancy, maybe sometime in March I will get cut up. I am thinking about asking for a tummy tuck while she is in there.

In other news, I bought a new bike.

Striking A Blow for All Naturally Conceived Children Against Their Genetically Superior Overlord Brothers

"You want to know how I did it? This is how I did it, Anton: I never saved anything for the swim back." -- Ethan Hawke

Assorted Aborted Lists (In Order of Funniness)

Titles of Lists I Struck From This Post Because They Would Unduly Burden Blog Participants With Extra Information About Me That Would Make Participants And Others Feel Awkward Upon Our Next Meeting:

Reasons I Should I See A Doctor About Hemorrhoids

Real Announcements Over the Pulpit at Church and Associated Reactions:

"For family home evening on Monday, the men will be teaching the women how to change a tire."

Girl next to me: "I already know how to change attire."

A Point By Point Revision of Ralph Waldo Emerson from the Point of View of a Management Consultant:

"To laugh often and much (at the expense of others); to win buy the respect work product of intelligent people and (sycophantic) affection of children anyone; to earn the (pretended) appreciation of honest critics (only if they are writing your performance review) and endure the betrayal of false friends (if there are any left around after working 4 weekends in a row); to appreciate beauty (from the internet), to find the best worst in others; to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy childprofit margin, a garden patch salad or redeemed social condition airline miles; to know allow even no one life has to have breathed easier because you have lived fired everyone. This is to have succeeded." Ralph Waldo Emerson.

Abbreviated & Annotated List of Parts of Body I Have Had Professionally Shaved in the Past Two Years:

Ear Lobes (Korea Town; comes with the full hair cut)

Revised Taglines from Liberal Clap-Trap (NPR) Opinion Pieces:

"The Freedom of Speech should include the right to offend free tacos.

Words That Despite Their Spelling Do Not Share the Same Latin Roots:

Cookie:Dookie

Formerly Espoused Standards & Features for Marriage Partners & Cell Phones:

Attractive

Send & Receive Email

Thin & Lightweight

Intelligent

Silent Mode

1-2 Year Contract

Plays Tetris

Revised Marriage Standards (Post Cell Phone/Marriage Comparison):

Talked to in last 30 days

Degree to Which Being Openly Self-Aware in Blog Posts Adds to End User Experience--Translated Into Electric Oven Settings:

Medium-High

Tasks I Plan to Procrastinate Until They Cause Significant Harm to Myself Because It Will be Too Late To Do Anything About Them:

Filing expense reports

Training for a half marathon

Flossing

Titles of Books That I Have Thought of After Plagiarizing Things From The Internet:

Meatballs, the Digestive Track, and Fundamentalism: 1980-Present; with Forward By Dwight Shrewt; As Told by Kevin Bacon

Conspiracies I Believe:

The Lawrence Welk Show

Attempts At Being Esoteric and Yet Oddly Endearing Within This Post:

13

Successful Incidences of Implementation of Esoteric Yet Oddly Endearing Project Plan:

1 (I really like the tacos comment)

Phrases That Describe My State of Mind Making Edits Compared With Document Version Number:

1 - Who cares

4 - Should be ok

32 - Seriously this is not funny; but perhaps with time and exaggerated within the appropriate blogging context, it could be humorous to other coworkers who read this blog, who are from Cal-tech, and who are Jewish, 5'9", and occasionally wear pink sweaters in a tropical environment.

48 - (Dead inside)

63 - Ta Da.

The following are not funny (I am not kidding):

Reasons Girlfriends Broke Up With Me Over the Past 20 Years (In Chinese):

Kindergarten through 2006: "Women shi nan-nu pengyou ma?"

Pressing Thoughts I Have Had In the Last 24-Hours:

I left my TiVO unhooked--what will happen to Jack Bauer?

Recorded Shows On My Tivo Beginning With "The:"

The Office

The O.C. (there to the bitter-end)

The This Old House Show

Quotes That Support My Work-Too-Much Approach to Life and My Absence of Meaningful Social Interaction:

"Work is the only weapon against life's tragedies." John Steinbeck

Causes of Swearing Impotently Under My Breath During the Last Seven Days:

Email

Excuses I Plan to Use At Work In the Coming Seven Days:

I have to go to the doctor

Fabric of Pillows I Have Slept On in the Past 48 Hours:

Paper (Airline)

Corduroy (Futon at Terrill's)

Cotton (40 Count, apparently)

Before & After