I am not above getting medical advice from a blog--not even that, comments on a blog.
Broke it here. Drug addiction round one here, where I learned advil is not so good for broken bones in the comments section from loyal readers B and M. Here reader-of-dubious-loyalty-but-unquestionable-alonergy-wisdom F pointed out that much of my problem may be due to a card stuck in my throat. This showcased my new titanium accessories and allowed me to make fun of blogstar K in a poorly executed comment of cascading self-aware irony. Finally, my thinly veiled story of drug addiction masquerading as love of donuts here taught me that if no one cares about me, at least comment spam bots will offer me advice if I post about the right things.
Now that my medical history is clear, may I pose a new question?
My most recent visit with Dr. Perky was very...well let me describe. X-rays are always standard. Shirt is always off. She performs some witch doctoring--putting her fingers on my collar bone while trying to do some sort of wrestling move with my left arm. Supposedly she is checking movement, but I suspect it is just to do a double take to see if a man really does shave his armpits. (Yes. I tried it once and have never really gone back. Every few weeks, you know, when I am about to change razors, I make sure to get the last 10% of use that would be torture on the face.) Monday she made this much more enjoyable by whispering into my ear: "Look at you, you have amazing range of motion. Have you been doing therapy? This is all you."
This poking about is followed by looking at the fuzzy X rays for about 3 seconds and then making some reassuring or accusatory statements. Two months ago it was: "You are not laying down enough bone. You are a bad healer." Apparently it is just a matter of me willing it to be so.
Emulating our fearless leader, I marshaled an additional surge of 28,500 good vibes to help the beleaguered (shoulder) region attain peace and healing. This surge also supports the previously deployed 160,000 good, but clearly spent, vibes to stabilize the region by permanently solidifying the foreign (titanium) presence there. Monday it was: "YAY! You are laying down tons of bone. You are an amazing healer." This, of course, after she got to cut me up.
This 10-minute mix of seduction and cheer leading (which, according to my insurance statement, cost them $125 + $35 xray fees) was all to prepare me for the last point that "she just read a new journal" that basically says these fractures need 81 days to heal instead of the previously promised 6-weeks. Until then, she needs to see me every two to three weeks, and no weights, surfing, or kayaking.
Is she milking me for more $$$ or is there good medical reason to lay off doing these things?
I still can't believe she takes her shirt off during the patient encounter.
ReplyDeleteOh, and btw. . . (ahem) Wasn't I the one to say give it more time to heal before going under the knife?
ReplyDeleteIf it makes you feel any better, some research suggests that traumatizing the body with something like surgery stimulates it to heal more quickly. Point is, you'll never know so just tell yourself you did the right thing because what's done is done.
Go ahead and take it easy, if the next visit is the same or better then you're most likely done with the shirtless visits.
I have encouraging news for you dear friend: some research suggests that the majority of medical practitioners are about as useful as a poopy flavored lollipop. By that I mean that most doctors I have ever gone to, including physical therapists for torn tendons, have done as much good or less than not seeing a doctor at all.
ReplyDeleteYou are of course dealing with a broken bone (which is probably partially my fault) so maybe that's different, but I still don't buy into the common mindset that doctors really solve all of your problems.
There, now I've probably ruined your day and made your life that much harder.
according to my doctors: if you try to use the affected region too much, the bone can't rebuild as well. "It just takes time," is what I get ever time I ask if I can start eating steak (which I have) and bottle caps (which I haven't because that still hurts) {but not steak and bottlecaps together}. So Maybe take it a little easy.
ReplyDelete"medical practitioners are about as useful as a poopy flavored lollipop. . . most doctors I have ever gone to, including physical therapists. . ."
ReplyDeleteUseless? In the same category as PTs (not that I hate on them)?
This JBS needs a DRE stat!
Well, ahem, some "research" I've "read" says that you should start trying to increase the healing and strengthen the bone by doing sets of one-armed pushups and olympic lifts five times a day, to exhaustion. Also consider hitting your collarbone with a hammer (to check its reflexes) and poking it with nails (to stimulate bloodflow to the region).
ReplyDeleteNo need to thank me. Your speedy healing is thanks enough!